Ego is anxiety. The thought buzzes right through my mind and settles on the back of my neck as I'm pouring over my recently returned copy of Light is the New Black. It gets me. I get it. Finally. My presence in life, my soul urging, fire burning truth is smothered with ego. I let it get smothered by ego everyday because I have for the life of me struggled through anxiety. I'm it's victim and it's conqueror on a daily basis. But never have I truly responded to the realization that my anxiety is my Ego. Every time I've ever gotten close to the suggestion that anxiety is a choice in any - ANY - way - I recoiled. As I should have. Anxiety is a real, physical yet invisible condition. I've struggled with and against spiritual and metaphysical healing for real, physical conditions my whole life. So, when I heard anything close to 'anxiety is a symptom of the Ego' (or 'Anxiety is just the ego' or 'Anxiety will disappear when you reach the right vibration') in any form I would retreat from the idea and mull it over from a wary distance and then move on. I knew what they were getting at but I didn't let it touch me because...I'm practical, and I'm a Capricorn, and I like my level-headed approach to all things spiritual.
Ego is Anxiety? Anxiety is my Ego? My Ego has caused Anxiety?
I suck at taking meds on the regular, and I don't go to my therapist that often, and I let anxiety and fear MAJORLY block my energy and my flow. But, because I'm doing so well in my life makes me feel like I've got it handled. I mean, take a look at myself two years ago and compare that to me right now? I've practically re-birthed myself into a new incarnation(perhaps an slight exaggeration, but ya get the general idea. lol). I've let that ease me into a sense of security that's kind of completely shady. Because, I still have leveling up I need to do on this journey with anxiety. And the Ego is massively *explicit*-blocking me. Ego is not taking care of myself, Ego is holding onto my fears because I want to be safe and rational, Ego is the fear of being disappointed. Ego is up with me at two a.m. in the morning making me feel bad about being up at 2 a.m. and not like a normal, average everyday Jessica who functions at nine a.m. like the rest of society. Ego and Anxiety are mixed up together and have been for so long that now I don't know which one is which. I know one is one thing - medical and treatable and the other is another thing - spiritual and energetic and of my body.
Two issues from two different systems in my being. Like Ego is a tumor in my stomach that's not only fucking with a bunch of other things in my body but also antagonizing and perhaps even helped create a heart condition that I'm biologically pre-disposed for (Heart condition is Anxiety). (That's probably not a sound metaphor, but roll with me here). My heart might be stable but that pesky tumor is causing it stress, not letting it heal, keeping my body in chaos so it can't rest. I got to get rid of that tumor. All the while treating my heart condition. But also THAT TUMOR NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH. Because if it isn't - then my heart can never truly be the best it can be. The potential will never be realized. It'll just flounder in heart problem stasis while I eventually succumb to the tumor and...then it gets very tragic. End of metaphor.
I can treat my brain chemistry and go to the therapists but until I start acknowledging Ego in anxiety and work on it, letting go and trusting, and fully nourishing and loving my soul - I'm not going to be looking back at myself in two years and think 'I've rebirthed into fabulous new incarnation of myself...again!'.
No comments